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I had a massive crush on this guy from my program who played the trumpet and had beautiful deep blue eyes that I could not turn away from. I became obsessed with him, learning his route between classes and wearing my most low-cut outfits when I knew I would bump into him. One night, I was at a reggae show, and I saw him talking to his friends in the corner. This was my moment. As I was figuring out my move, he came up to me, said he noticed me staring, and asked if I wanted him to put his penis inside me. Although I fantasized about hooking up with him for SO long, the lack of build-up or foreplay and focus on only penetration made me immediately lose interest.

Having a slow and sensual build-up to sex is just as important, if not more important, than the actual sexual activity. Building up excitement and tension and creating an inviting environment can make or break the experience.

However, we rarely see examples of what foreplay should look like. In most porn videos, women see a penis wandering penis in the horizon, and they are immediately good to go. As a result, many people wind up thinking of foreplay as a quick stepping stone towards sex instead of its own exciting and essential avenue to be explored.

Why foreplay is important

People take different amounts of time to become ready for sex 

The body and the mind may take a while to become sexually excited and ready for penetration. Peak arousal usually takes between 10 and 30 minutes, and women may take longer than men to get there.

Once aroused, a woman's body prepares for penetration. Her clitoris becomes erect, the vaginal canal elongates, and the vagina gets wet, creating a welcoming environment for visitors.

Once aroused, a woman's body prepares for penetration. Her clitoris becomes erect, the vaginal canal elongates, and the vagina gets wet, creating a welcoming environment for visitors

When these changes occur, penetration feels more pleasurable for both partners. Especially for women, if you engage in penetration before we are physically and psychologically prepared, a penis may feel at best kind of meh and at worst painful.

Sex involves so much more than penetration

Many of the most erotic and pleasurable moments I have experienced to date did not involve penetration. Indeed, research shows that the percentage of women who can orgasm through penile-vaginal penetration may be as low as 6%. It has been shown that women are more likely to orgasm during masturbation than during partnered sex.

This is because many women are not receiving the type of stimulation needed for them to achieve orgasm during partnered sex. Perhaps because we are in a culture that rushes foreplay and prioritizes penetration above other kinds of sex.

    The clitoris is the key to pleasure for people who have them. Indeed, a  study of more than 1000 women found that 75% of women found that clitoral stimulation was necessary or led to significant improvement in their orgasms. As a result, women are far more likely to achieve orgasm by getting fingered or receiving oral sex than sex.

    Of course, there are ways to incorporate clitoral stimulation into intercourse, but penetration is often not the best way to stimulate the clitoris and, therefore, may not always be the best way to pleasure us.

    Of course, there are ways to incorporate clitoral stimulation into intercourse, but penetration is often not the best way to stimulate the clitoris and, therefore, may not always be the best way to pleasure us. As a result, this so-called "foreplay" may be the main act for many of us.

    Penetration doesn't last that long

    A study found that for heterosexual couples, penetration usually lasts about five minutes before ejaculation. As we saw, getting sufficiently aroused may take up to 30 minutes, so jumping right into five minutes of intercourse won’t do it for most women. The difference between your

      Being left humping their pillow and feeling satisfied and cuddly is often not how long the penetration lasts but how you build up to the sex.  For the most part, the answer to pleasuring your partner better is not to have longer or harder sex but to engage in more varied and prolonged foreplay.

      Foreplay Tips for all Genders

      Talk to Eachother

      Everybody has their preferences regarding which type of foreplay would be the most exciting. Some desire a slow and sensual massage, and others prefer some light BDSM. Some of us get very easily distracted by the environment and require a clean space to relax and enjoy sex. Others would be excited about having sex in a dirty bathroom at the bar.

      The best way to learn what excites your partner is to ask them! What can you do to create an erotic environment for your partner? What will make them get to a place where they are excited and ready for penetration?  The more you talk to your partner, the better you can curate an erotic experience for them.

      Discuss fantasies

      Talk to your partner about what their ultimate fantasy is. Can you help your partner experience some version of this? Are there steps you can take toward creating this fantasy with your partner? For example, say your partner's fantasy is to have a threesome with a guy.

      By showing your openness to explore your partner's fantasies, they are more likely to be open to learning about and exploring your fantasies

      If that feels like too much for right now, you can play around with using a dildo with your partner and creating a role play where you pretend another guy is having sex with you both. Or say your partner's fantasy involves experiencing a foot job.  Perhaps that feels like too much for you, but you are open to licking their toes during sex.  That can be a great step towards exploring their desires, while still keeping your boundaries at the forefront.

      By showing your openness to explore your partner's fantasies, they are more likely to be open to learning about and exploring your fantasies.

      Setting the Scene

      I'll be honest with you, I've had moments where I got distracted looking up at the dying plants on my desk while receiving oral sex. For all genders, but particularly for women, creating an erotic physical space can improve our ability to sink in and enjoy sex.

      To set the stage for sexy times, you can clean your room, light some candles, and put on a record. It also means that enjoying sex may be best when you have finished your tasks for the day, so you can let your mind relax and enjoy the experience.

      Look Good

      We are visual creatures. Putting some energy into your appearance can help your partner get excited by looking at you in all your glory. Take a shower. Put on a funky shirt. Shave. Wear something that makes you feel confident because your partner will be able to sense how you are feeling in your body. Think about your outfit, all the way down to your boxers.

      There are more options for sexy male underwear than ever before. Having little holes in your boxers is not the vibe!

      Build Anticipation

      I have a rule: I don't like to have sex with anyone before I masturbate and think about them at least ten times. Building excitement and anticipation is sexy AF, and it starts way before you are in the bedroom. It involves locking eyes for a little too long at dinner and wondering if you are thinking about the same thing. It involves gently brushing your arm beside your date so they can feel the energy of your skin touching. It involves showing them that you are attracted to them and want to make them feel good.

      Instead of ripping your clothes off, it involves sensually undressing so that your partner has time to get excited thinking about what is under your clothes before they are able to see. For example, let your partner see you in your boxers with that nice bulge, before showing them what is under there.

      Slow builds up will drive them wild!

      Then, shower together and slowly touch each other sensually to build anticipation before things get explicitly sexual.  Trust me, the slow builds up will drive them wild!

      When things get sexual, it involves kissing them softly before shoving your tongue down their throat. It involves slowly licking your way up their thigh so that by the time you get to their clitoris, they are begging for it. It involves gradually putting the tip of their penis in your mouth before letting it go deeper inside your throat. Don't rush it. Let anticipation and excitement grow. Remember, this is not a race, and the slower you take things, the more chance they have to get warmed up and ready to play.

      Watch Porn Together

      Watching porn is a great way to build excitement and anticipation before having sex. Porn can show a vast array of varied and exciting types of sex. As a result, watching porn with a partner is a great way to share your desires and fantasies and discuss potential scenes to play out.

      For example, saying you want to explore BDSM can mean so many things, but if you show them a scene you find exciting, this makes it easier for them to understand what you are looking to explore.

      You can also watch porn with a partner before sex to get aroused, during sex to increase excitement, or after sex to get inspiration for the next round.

      You can also watch porn with a partner before sex to get aroused, during sex to increase excitement, or after sex to get inspiration for the next round

      Full body massages

      Giving your partner a full-body massage is a fantastic way to get them warmed up and aroused. As we discussed, it takes some women longer to get fully aroused, so creating a relaxing sensual environment is a great way to let them relax and enter a sensual mindset. Start with her arms and legs, and slowly work your way towards her erogenous zones so she is aching for it before you get there.

      Have sex in new places

      One of the best ways to maintain excitement in relationships is to create novelty and excitement during sex. One of the best ways to disrupt routine is to have sex in different locations. No, this does not mean the foot of the bed! Instead, see if you can be creative by seducing your partner while you are out.

      See how it feels to finger your partner on a rooftop, makeout at a party, or even have sex in your kitchen. The urgency can be very exciting, and you'll notice that you are more likely to take on new identities and try new positions when you are in a physically different environment.

      Sext them throughout the day

      Sexting is one of the most powerful ways to get your partner excited to hook up with you. Do not send an unsolicited dick pic, but find a way to steer the conversation towards sexuality. You can then share the effect they have on you and what you want to do to them.

      Start slowly by discussing how much you want to feel their lips on yours or how sexy it was when you hooked up last time

      Start slowly by discussing how much you want to feel their lips on yours or how sexy it was when you hooked up last time. Then, if they seem into it, move on to sharing pics or describing what you want to do with them later.

      Foreplay Tips For Women

      Stimulate the clitoris

      Stimulating the clitoris is the best way to get us sexually aroused! Many women's clitorises are very sensitive, so start by touching them gently. Ask your partner if they prefer more or less pressure.

      A great way to learn how to pleasure your partner is to watch them touch themselves, observe their technique and try to copy it. Some specific methods for stimulating the clitoris include making small circles around the clitoris, sliding your hand up and down or back and forth across the clitoris, or engaging in a gentle tapping motion on the clitoris.

      You can play around with different speeds, angles, and amounts of pressure. For most women, getting the clitoris excited is the best way to prepare the vulva for penetration.

      Understand the anatomy

      One study found that 58% of people couldn't describe what the urethra does, 47% were unsure what the labia was, and 52% of people didn't know what the vagina was. Further, 30% of women and 25% of men could not locate a clitoris on a diagram! It is through education that we learn about pleasure.

      The absolute least you can do is look up exactly where the clitoris is, so you know the general area to pleasure!/h3>

      The absolute least you can do is look up exactly where the clitoris is, so you know the general area to pleasure!  Or go all in and learn about the anatomy of the vulva to better understand and pleasure your partner's body.

      Use a vibrator

      Sometimes men are reluctant to use vibrators when pleasuring a woman, but it can be a fantastic way to get us warmed up and ready for penetration. Can your penis vibrate? I didn't think so! So why not use what you can to increase the pleasure and satisfaction for your partner? You can use a vibrator on your partner while kissing them, fingering them, or while they give you a blow job.

      Foreplay Tips For Men

      Explore Alone

      Learning about your pleasure can help you maintain more control over your erection and orgasm. You can learn about how it feels to be on the edge vs past that point of no return. As a result, you can train yourself to stay on the edge for longer and even shorten your refractory period.

      You can also learn more about your desires by noticing what you fantasize about.  This can help you communicate with your partner about how create the most exciting erotic environment for you.

      Stimulate your Prostate

      Using a prostate massager can be a great way to get warmed up before penetration. Your prostate is a sexy little gland about two inches inside the rectum that produces the seminal fluid that is in ejaculate.

      You can put a massager inside your anus (with lube!!) and feel the vibrations or have your partner put it in for you, perhaps while gently rubbing your cock. You could also explore putting vibrating anal beads or a butt plug inside your anus while engaging in other pleasurable stimulation such as oral sex, kissing or manual stimulation.

      Use a cock ring

      Another great way to enhance foreplay is to put a cock ring on during foreplay. Cock rings can enhance pleasure, increase the power of your orgasms, and make you last longer during penetration.

      During foreplay, you can put the cock ring on while your partner gives your oral sex, stimulates your prostate, or kisses you. It can be a great addition to make your cock extra hard and excited for penetration!

      Learn more about cock rings

      Play around with a Male Chastity Belt

      Exploring BDSM can also be an excellent form of foreplay. You can try using a male chastity belt, where you can let your partner torture you by keeping your cock restrained. Perhaps it will only be set free and able to feel pleasure, once you have earned it by making your partner cum or sufficiently begged to be released.

      By exploring varied types of foreplay, you can find novel ways to stimulate and excite your partner, ultimately making the encounter more satisfying for all involved

      There is SO MUCH that can enhance a sexual experience other than intercourse. By exploring varied types of foreplay, you can find novel ways to stimulate and excite your partner, ultimately making the encounter more satisfying for all involved. By trying new things and communicating with your partner, you can learn exactly what gets them riled up so that by the time penetration takes place their whole body is electrified and ready. Happy exploring :)

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