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Listen to an audio summary

‘Talk Dirty to Me’ have been described as some of the most terrifying four words that can be uttered during sex. That is because although most of us are intrigued by the concept of dirty talk, many of us have no idea how to go about incorporating dirty talk into our sexual encounters in an exciting and consensual way.

Part of the reason for this is many of us don’t know what type of language would turn our partners on. Do they want to be called a dirty slut or a beautiful goddess? Do they want us to tell them how gorgeous their body is or how much we will use them?  Without knowing the language our partner enjoys, we may worry that we will take it too far or accidentally ruin the moment by saying the wrong thing. It is vulnerable to put yourself out there, and it may feel easier not to say anything than to share what turns you on for fear of rejection.

Why talk dirty?

If dirty talk can be risky, what is the point of exploring it? Although it can be scary to get started, there are some compelling reasons to gain the courage to talk dirty during sex.  Although a pulsating cock and an enlarged clitoris can be a close second, the brain is the most powerful sex organ. Done right, talking dirty can start in foreplay, and make every part of the sex experience more interesting and enjoyable.

Dirty talk is all about using your words to arouse the brain and, therefore, stimulate your other body parts

As a result, using words can be the most powerful way to express the simulation you feel in your other body parts during sex.

Even beyond turning yourself and your partner on, dirty talk can help you get comfortable talking during sex, which can help you learn more about your and your partner's desires. It’s also a fun way to express and ensure continued consent. It can also prolong sexual sessions by adding more enjoyable non-penetrative time.

Once you get comfortable with the basics, dirty talk can also be a fantastic tool to explore different power dynamics, fantasize, and explore role play. Although there's no scientific research to back this up, incorporating dirty talk can help men with mild symptoms of ED, particularly when originated by psychological causes

Some guidelines on talking dirty in bed before starting

Dirty talk has the power to arouse and seduce but also the ability to turn off and offend if not done thoughtfully. That is why we need to expand our definition of dirty talk. In my lectures, I define dirty talk as “sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce, arouse, communicate or inform a partner about a preference.

Dirty talk can be anything from filthy and degrading to sweet and loving.

Maybe your partner would love to get called a dirty cum slut, or perhaps they would prefer talking about how much they love you. Neither options are wrong, but it is essential to ensure you and your partner are on the same page regarding what type of dirty talk to explore so that there is no misunderstanding.  

How to talk to your partner about what you like in bed

Until recently, the norm for figuring out what your partner likes was to just go for it and hope for the best. In this case, during sex, you would say whatever impulsive thoughts come out of your mouth and assess how it goes based on how your partner responds.

This can work well if your partner happens to be turned on by precisely what you are turned on by, but if you have different preferences, it can, at best, get your partner out of the mood for a second or, at worst, offend or annoy them. 

We often have specific preferences regarding what type of words turn us on, even when it comes to how we like to refer to our genitals.

For example, I remember once, when someone was eating me out, they said, “Damn, your cunt is dripping for me, isn’t it.”  Although I wasn’t offended by this statement, it shifted my focus from the pleasure I was experiencing to how strange I find the word cunt (I’m more of a pussy girl).  If my partner had assessed the words I like to use to describe my body before we hooked up, I wouldn’t have had that moment of pause.

The best way to ensure that dirty talk will not detract from a sexual encounter is to assess what type of language your partner enjoys. The easiest way to do this is to ask your partner what they are into. 

The best way to ensure that dirty talk will not detract from a sexual encounter is to assess what type of language your partner enjoys

Another option would be to slowly start dirty talking with your partner, perhaps even via text, to assess what words they seem to enjoy.  Do they describe their veiny cock or their sacred flower?  Are they using more rough words or descriptive words?  It can be a real turn-off if someone describes you in a way that doesn’t resonate.

So, especially if you are saying something risky, it may be better to check in with your partner about what they like first. This can look like saying something like, “sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I may want to call you some names - is this, ok?  What names do you enjoy being called?”

What to avoid when getting started in dirty talk

Diagram on What to avoid when getting started in dirty talk

Don’t explore power without discussing it

Exploring power can be a fun way to incorporate dirty talk.  However, it ALWAYS needs to be discussed beforehand.  You should never call your partner your little slut or get them to beg for your pussy without first discussing that you are exploring a power dynamic.  If you are open to exploring power, create a safe word that either partner can use if they feel uncomfortable with the language.

If you’re unsure if your partner will be offended by what you want to say, don’t just go for it.

Especially if the talk involves any degradation, you want explicit consent before starting this dynamic.  If you offend your partner, it may be hard to get back in the zone, and it may turn them off from dirty talk altogether.

Don’t put pressure on yourself.

You may see dirty talk in porn and feel you must immediately be a cunning linguist.  However, like any skill, dirty talk takes practice. Don’t feel you have to talk the whole time or even during every sexual encounter. Also, realize that not everything you say may arouse your partner. It truly takes a while to discover your voice.

It may not be mind blowing right away, but through exploring with your partner, you’ll learn more about what to say that arouses your partner.

Also, what works for one partner may do nothing for another, so don’t put pressure on yourself to make it perfect immediately.

Don’t feel like you have to talk the whole time.

For some folks, feeling the pressure to talk the whole time can detract from their ability to enjoy the pleasure that they are experiencing. Dirty talk can happen before, during, and after sex. Perhaps during sex, you may feel too overwhelmed with pleasure to talk. In that case, you can talk dirty before sex to get your partner excited about it and after to learn about their desires. If you are new to dirty talk, perhaps just one or two well-timed comments is enough to start with.

Specific tips on talking dirty in bed

Now we have discussed the basics and some things to avoid (particularly when getting started) here are some specific tips to improve your experience:

Genuinely think about how you are feeling in the moment with your partner

  • Clumsy words from the heart are better than copying words that don’t resonate with you.
  • Is your partner making you wet?  Are you anticipating putting your cock in your partner's pussy?  Are you loving the way your partner moans?  Tell them!

Creatively assess what your partner may be into

  • If your partner doesn’t seem vocal, try asking them sexual questions and see how they respond.
  • For example, ask them what they want you to do to them. Ask them how what you are doing feels. Ask them how you are affecting their body.

    Make it specific

    • We all want to feel like unique flowers, so think about what specifically about your partner is turning you on.
    • For example, which body part are you most drawn to?  How do their breasts look when they are riding your cock?  What does their cock look like, and does it make you want to pleasure it?

      Take it slow

      • After you say something, be hyper-aware of your partner's verbal and non-verbal signals.
      • Make sure you receive a positive response before continuing.

        Describe using your five senses

        • If you don’t know what to say, think about how your partner smells, how they taste, how they look, and how their breath sounds.

          Phrases that you can use to get started

          Before a sexual encounter

          • When you get home, I will be waiting in the bedroom. What do you want to do first?
          • I can’t stop wondering what sounds you make when you're in the thralls of pleasure.
          • I’m getting so wet, touching myself, thinking about how you looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes as you licked my pussy.
          • I’ve thought about this all day.
          • If you keep looking at me that way, I’m not responsible for what happens to your pussy.
          • You make me so fucking hard. I can’t wait to have you underneath me, legs over my shoulders, while I fuck you so deeply. Does that sound good?
          • The next time I see you, I want to strip you naked and lick your pussy until you cum so hard that you beg me to stop. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

            During a sexual encounter

            • Kiss me slowly from my lips, down my neck, onto my breasts, and down to my wet pussy. Then put your tongue deep inside me and keep it there until I tell you to stop.
            • Get down on your knees and suck me until I tell you to stop.
            • Tease me until I am begging for it.
            • Show me how you touch yourself… I want to see you surrendering to your deepest pleasure for me.
            • Fuck, your body looks insane when you’re doing that
            • Your skin is so soft. I want to stay in this moment forever.
            • Your dick is so full. It feels amazing.
            • Do you want to fuck my ass?
            • I adore feeling you on top of me.
            • Fuck me slower, I want to feel every inch of you.
            • Wow, you’re already so hard - can’t hold yourself back, can you?

              After a sexual encounter

              • My cock is throbbing, thinking about the sound of your moans last night.
              • I’m going to be thinking about this all day tomorrow.
              • It was really hot when you…
              • What was your favorite part of that, anything you want to try next time?
              • Was there anything you didn’t enjoy? I want to make you feel as good as possible.
              • I’m not going to shower, so I smell like your pussy all day.

                Many of these prompts can help turn your partner on and learn more about their preferences. If you have never talked during sex, you can plan one or two phrases to try out.  However, your partner will likely know the difference between copying something you’ve read or seen and saying something genuine and specific to them, so I recommend winging it based on how you feel in the moment.

                Remember to determine your partner’s preferences before going too deep

                Once you are on the same page, try to be in the moment with your partner, and you will be shocked at how powerful an impact your words can have.  Happy exploring :)

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