Here are a few simple facts about sex that everybody needs a reminder of from time to time:
- Everyone deserves the pleasure that comes from good sex.
- Every type of body is a good body for sex.
- There's nothing better for sex than clear, open communication.
- The most important muscle for sex is the one between your ears.
Okay, the brain isn't exactly a muscle, but you get the point. Way more often, it's what you've got going on in your head that makes the difference between good sex and great sex than what's going on in your trousers. That's why sexual confidence is such a big issue for many men.
The problem with confidence is that it happens in your head. Yes, there are physical issues that can affect sexual performance and damage our sexual self-confidence. We can deal with those in practical ways, just as we can when we're too deep in our own heads.
That's why our first two tips refer to sexual function issues and the effects of mental health on our sex life.
Once you've got those two elements in check, the rest of our handy tips will help you become more sexually aware and become the sexually confident person you want to be.
The good news is that confidence levels aren't set in stone; they'll fluctuate with whatever's going on in your life, and they'll grow with practice.
1. Address any sexual performance issues like PE or ED
Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction are common problems for many men and have a direct impact on sexual confidence. The cause of sexual dysfunction can be due to mental or physiological health, and there are both practical and medical help available for both.
A European Sexual Confidence Survey, showed that almost a quarter (23.9%) of the men studied (aged between 25 and 64 years old) suffered from some level of ED.
These issues are some of the most likely to affect sexual confidence, adding performance anxiety into the mix. If a physical concern is affecting your performance, it needs to be rectified straight away.
Another study, this time in the Journal of General Internal Medicine, showed that treating ED with sildenafil (Viagra) was a significant factor in raising the patient's self-esteem.
Compared with patients who received placebo, patients who received sildenafil reported significantly greater improvements in self-esteem, confidence, sexual relationship satisfaction, and in all sexual function domains of the International Index of Erectile Function.
Struggling with sexual dysfunction?
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2. Consider therapy or sexual therapy
As with anything connected to emotions and mental health, we can't just think or read about something and believe it into existence; it takes practice. We also need to know what to change and how—which might take some expert guidance to get to the root of the problem.
A lack of confidence can stem from many issues, with many rooted in low self-esteem. Therapy will help you uncover your issues and how to overcome them.
This won't just help build the connection with your sexual partner but also in your social and personal relationships. Many people carry unnecessary sexual shame—likely developed in childhood—causing conflict with sexual confidence; therapy is the ideal place to unpack and process it.
A therapist will help you deal with any problems that spill into the bedroom; a couples therapist can help with communication problems and relationship issues, while sex therapy can help you achieve better sex, whatever's going on in your world.
How to find the right therapist
There are directories for local licensed therapists who work in the field you require. PsychologyToday magazine's US therapist directory is a great place to start.
Choosing a therapist is a process. You'll be exploring very personal topics, so you need to feel comfortable being completely open with them. It's good to try several therapists to see who feels like your best fit. They won't be offended if you choose someone else, as they appreciate how important that connection is—it's just another part of the job.
3. Be aware of your inner dialog in sexual situations
Practice makes permanent, not perfect. So, if you're constantly beating yourself up and telling yourself only bad things about yourself, the better you'll become at believing them. This has a huge effect on self-confidence, especially in the bedroom.
How to switch your inner dialogue from negative to positive
Instead of focusing on what you think you're doing wrong, focus on what you know you get right. If you aren't sure what those things are, our next section about communication with your partner will help narrow them down.
If you can talk about what works and what doesn't, you can reframe your thoughts into your best actions and focus on doing more of those to give your partner the pleasure you want for them.
4. Improve your communication skills in bed
Communicating in bed is a different feat from communicating outside of the bedroom. Movies, books, and porn have all painted a picture that magical sex happens without a hitch, and it's amazing every time. Sadly, that couldn't be further from the truth. Everybody is different, and knowing what turns one person on won't necessarily work for another.
Checking in during sex
Communication during sex is a skill. Asking, 'Do you like this?' or 'Where would you like me to kiss next?' or asking your partner to show you how they'd like to be touched shows a boldness that you're not scared to ask and also that you're invested in what they want—not just on your own pleasure.
Every time you discuss your sexual activity is another barrier broken down. Over time, and the more open you become, you'll feel sexy just asking or hearing those questions, knowing what they lead to.
Communication is vital for intimacy. The more you practice checking in, the more confidence you'll gain and the more sexually confident you'll become.
The present study aimed to investigate the association between communication skills and relationship satisfaction, after having controlled for some other important associates of relationship satisfaction, such as attachment styles and various problem-solving skills including sense of control, confidence, and attitudes of approach-avoidance.
... after controlling for the variance accounted for by these variables communication skills were still found to be associated with the relationship satisfaction.
5. Have a conversation with your partner about your sexual preferences
Talking openly with your partner about what you both like and don't, concerns and worries, and things you'd like to try will take the worry off the table, lowering your chances of performance anxiety while increasing confidence.
Sexual communication brings you closer as a couple, and anything that boosts intimacy will pay off during your sexual experiences. The more you understand about each other, and the more you practice, the better things will be, and the more sexually confident you'll become.
Learning how to talk about sex with your partner
Put some time aside to talk about it away from the bedroom. If your main concern is ensuring your partner's pleasure and helping them achieve climax, find out how and what turns them on and makes them orgasm. Talk about fantasies, being touched, what the build-up to sexplay looks like, and how to help turn off all those niggling voices that are our worst distractions.
If you're worried about your sexual stamina, there's no shame in extending foreplay with more touch and oral sex or bringing toys into your sexual experiences.
All of those things will help bring your partner to the brink without climaxing yourself; all you have to do is join them for the final throws during penetrative sex or your favorite ways to climax, ensuring you both finish together. All of that becomes far easier by discussing it in advance.
6. Address your body insecurities
Height, weight, appearance, the size of your penis—especially the size of your penis—contribute to feeling attractive and how we feel about body image. As much as none of this should matter, it can have a big impact on sexual self-esteem. So, whatever you look like, you need to learn how to feel more confident in your own skin.
According to a survey of 2,000 British adults by PureJournal, despite believing body image played a significant part in sexual relationships, more people preferred confidence over the perfect body.
- 94% believed body issues lead to relationship struggles.
- 47% of the women and 58% of the men believed they couldn't have a happy relationship or sex life if they were dissatisfied with their bodies.
- 81% of women and 65% of men prefer self-confidence in a partner rather than the perfect body.
- 79% had never bailed on sex because of their partner's body size or shape.
Feeling comfortable with body image
Being comfortable with your body image starts with how you think and the ability to accept yourself exactly how you are. However, there are multiple payoffs if you want to get in better shape. Adding exercise and a healthy lifestyle will help you feel better and look better—boosting confidence in and out of the bedroom.
7. Be mindful of your sexual pleasure
Mindfulness isn't all about meditation, chanting, and wild camping in the back of beyond; it's about getting out of your head and into the moment; it's about shutting down those voices in your head and enjoying what you're doing.
This research has explored the practice of Mindfulness and its relation to sexual activity and the results indicate that the practice of Mindfulness improves sexual health and sexual satisfaction. It also shows that Mindfulness participants have a greater tendency to pay attention to corporal sensations and sexual stimulus, which implies that they were freer of judgment and self-criticism related to carrying out sexual performance, which results in an enhancement in the field of sexuality, and subsequently in their quality of life.
A mindful practice you can try during sex
There's a well-known mindful practice that engages all five senses to keep us 'in the moment,' concentrating on what you should be and not what you shouldn't.
It involves noticing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Working down that list with your partner in front of you, naked and wonderful, we'd be amazed if there was any room for unwanted voices as you stare at every inch of their body, check how their skin, breasts, chest, butt, or legs feel, listen to them moan, and when it comes to taste...
8. Be mindful of your partner's sexual pleasure
Your partner's pleasure is essential for you to feel sexually confident, so being mindful of it and using all the communication techniques we've discussed is a great way to prioritize what you're doing right.
How to focus on your partner's pleasure
One trick, which is loaded with sexual confidence, is eye contact. If you can maintain eye contact with your partner during sex, it oozes confidence. You'll see just what they're feeling in each moment while creating a deep level of intimacy. Try it and see how much more of a connection you feel.
9. Improve your foreplay
We've touched on the importance of extending foreplay, but it's such a key area that we think it deserves a section of its own. Foreplay can help create a longer build-up, experiencing more of the arousing sex you and your partner will thrive on to create the biggest climaxes.
Foreplay can include so many of our sexual confidence suggestions, from deeper communication, bringing fun to the bedroom, exploring each other's desires and biggest turn-ons, and if you improve your foreplay, it can only add to the success of your sex and make you more sexually confident.
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10. Try to have more fun in bed
Despite how movies and literature have painted the notion of perfect sex, it's far better to enter into it without those unrealistic expectations. Things aren't always going to go well, so learn to laugh when things don't go quite as they should during sex—it's supposed to be fun, after all.
Ways to bring more fun into the bedroom
- Explore roleplay
- Try new positions
- Play sex games to add a lighter mood to date night sex
11. Take care of your mental health
We spoke about the benefits of therapy, but there are plenty of ways you can maintain good mental health and work on your sexual confidence without engaging a professional.
Taking care of your mental health starts with being kinder to yourself, and, according to marriage and family therapist Dr Alexandra Solomon, PhD, sexual self-confidence starts with self-compassion.
Therefore, if you are craving more confidence in the bedroom, you must begin with self-compassion. Our intimate relationships are a powerful crucible for growth and healing if we are committed to practicing relational self-awareness.
Mental health practices that help you feel confident
Low self-esteem and confidence often stem from low mood, anxiety, and depression. Work on your mood and attitude in everyday life to combat those issues. Research the practices associated with good mental health, and you'll be encouraged to be kinder to yourself, take more self-care time, be mindful, practice gratitude, exercise, spend more time outdoors—especially in nature—and use those practices to develop and experience pleasure.
12. Engage in physical exercise
Whether or not you're using it to improve your physique and earn the type of body that will make you feel more confident, physical exercise is good for so many parts of our sex lives. Sex is a cardiovascular activity, so anything that improves or maintains circulation and heart health is good for sex.
Using physical exercise to enhance sexual performance
Sports like running, cycling, and swimming all cater to endurance and low and high-intensity workouts, which are great for the heart. Blood flow plays a huge part in the reproductive system, so every time you take part in an activity that gets you out of breath, you're giving your sexual health an added helping hand.
13. Work on your confidence in the other areas of your life
If your confidence is low in your daily life, it'll spill over into your relationship. If you can develop confidence as part of your personality, that will spill into it instead.
One practice for self-development suggests we do one thing every day that makes us uncomfortable.
Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone helps us see that fear isn't as big a deal as our brains make it out to be but also how much more capable and better at life we are than we think. It's another way to train yourself to be the person you want to be, not the one you think you are.
We investigated whether men's social confidence in an initial, opposite-sex chatting context can be improved through a video tutorial and the extent to which being perceived as socially confident results in being seen as more romantically desirable and worthy of future contact.
Findings indicate that social confidence is trainable and that other-perceived social confidence can impact the outcomes of social interactions.
14. Read about sexual health
Understanding the problem is an essential part of finding your solution. The more you explore and educate yourself on sexual health topics, the more equipped you'll be to handle any issues that crop up.
To get you up and running with many of the essential angles, our knowledge center has a sexual health section, and it's packed with educational articles covering all kinds of topics.
Summary
There are many ways to reprogram our self and sexual confidence inside and outside the bedroom. Rectifying any performance issues and working on the ways we can ensure our partners have the great time we want for them will build sexual confidence until it becomes second nature.
If you work on communication and intimacy, the practical endeavors will fall far easier into place, delivering the relaxed and satisfying sex you want for your relationship and the confidence you need to excel at it.