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Going soft during sex is a very common phenomenon - it happens to almost everyone at some point. Unfortunately, as common as it may be, that doesn't make it any less frustrating when it happens.
Often, the reasons behind going soft during sex aren't too serious. It's usually a mixture of stress, performance anxiety, and maybe having a little too much to drink. However, sometimes the issue is consistent and ends up looking a lot more like erectile dysfunction, which can require more attention.
Here, we've taken a look at all the reasons you may be struggling to stay hard during sex, ranging from slightly less serious issues such as having a stressful day, all the way to health conditions, mental health issues, and serious addictions, as well as certain lifestyle factors.
We've also listed some strategies that can help in the moment alongside some long-term solutions to clinical ED.
Depending on the severity of your issue and how much it's negatively impacting your life, you may need to see a doctor - which is why we've also included a segment on when you should visit them, and how to prepare and go about your visit to soothe your nerves and get the best results.
Why Do Men Go Soft During Sex: At A Glance
- Physical causes of erectile issues during sex include health conditions such as injuries or trauma, hormonal imbalances, the use of certain medications, and abuse of substances like alcohol
- Common psychological causes of ED include performance anxiety, mental health conditions such as depression, stress, and relationship troubles
- Erectile issues can also be caused by lifestyle factors including lack of sleep and exercise, a poor diet, and sometimes your specific pornography habits
- Some immediate, in-the-moment strategies for dealing with momentary ED include keeping calm and communicating openly, taking a short break from whatever you're doing, changing up your sexual activities by changing positions for example, and avoiding drugs and alcohol
- Some long-term solutions and preventative measures include incorporating aerobic exercise into your daily life, improving your diet, quitting smoking, and taking up medical or alternative treatments such as oral medications or penis pumps
- If your ED is causing you distress and you haven't seen success from any at-home strategies, or if you think it has a serious cause such as a health condition, psychological issue, or addiction, you may need to see a doctor
Physical Causes of Erectile Issues During Sex
Sometimes you may lose an erection due to physical causes within your body. These issues can include health conditions that damage your nerves and circulatory system, as well as hormonal imbalances that can affect your health and reduce your sex drive. Additionally, certain medications can affect everything listed above, as can the use of certain substances like drinking alcohol and smoking.
Let's take a more detailed look at each:
Health Conditions
A huge range of physical health conditions can cause erectile dysfunction. Some of these are penis-specific health conditions, including penile trauma and injuries, which can affect penis nerves and tissues, and Peyronie's disease, in which the development of scar tissue can affect blood flow to the penis.
General health conditions can also affect your erections. In particular, metabolic and cardiovascular issues such as heart disease, peripheral artery disease, obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure can all cause damage to blood vessels and arteries, also affecting blood flow to the penis.
Hormonal Imbalances
Your hormones can also affect your erections. Increased prolactin - which can lower testosterone - is one potential cause of ED. Though it can be, lower testosterone isn't always a cause of ED. Still, it is highly correlated with the condition - and it can lower your sex drive, also interfering with your capacity for erections.
Lowered testosterone can also be a result of steroid use as well as being a symptom of both an underactive or overactive thyroid.
Some of the hormones used in the treatment of prostate cancer can also cause issues with achieving and maintaining erections, though the cancer itself is not a cause.
Medications
Medications used to treat health conditions otherwise unrelated to your can cause erectile issues. According to Harvard Health Publishing, the most common medications found to be linked to ED were antidepressants, anti-ulcer medication, diuretics, and tranquilizers.
That's not the end of it though. Other medications that may cause ED symptoms (though in fewer cases than those listed above) include beta-blockers, certain anti-baldness medications, antihistamines, anticholinergics, antiandrogens, certain cancer medications, and certain drugs used to treat high blood pressure.
Substance Use
There is a very high link between the use of certain substances and erectile dysfunction. Smoking and drinking alcohol are very well-documented causes of erectile issues in both the short term and the long term. At the moment, nicotine and alcohol can result in whiskey dick, so we'd recommend avoiding them before a sexual encounter.
There is a very high link between the use of certain substances and erectile dysfunction.
In the long term, both smoking and drinking too much alcohol can raise your blood pressure and damage your arteries which, as we've discussed earlier, can result affect the blood flow to your penis. Thankfully, these issues can often be reduced or resolved by cutting down on - or cutting out - the substances at fault.
Psychological Causes of Erectile Issues During Sex
While erectile issues often have physical causes, psychological causes are just as, if not more common - particularly for in-the-moment ED. Anxiety (both chronic and performance-based) and depression can both cause and worsen the issue, as can general stress. Issues in your relationship can also get in the way of your erections, not least because they can contribute to the mental issues we've mentioned above.
Again, let's take a look at each in turn:
Performance Anxiety
Performance anxiety - anxiety about the sex you're trying to have - can give you trouble when it comes to achieving and maintaining a hard-on. There are many shades of performance anxiety - your worries may be pointed outwards at your partner's expectations, or focused inwards on the expectations you place on yourself.
Performance anxiety - anxiety about the sex you're trying to have - can give you trouble when it comes to achieving and maintaining a hard-on.
Some other common factors that can contribute to performance anxiety (and therefore ED) include worries about penis size, body image problems, concerns around virility and masculinity, concerns about your relationship, and worries about previous erectile issues such as ED or premature ejaculation.
Stress and Anxiety
Stress and anxiety unrelated to sex can also affect the strength of your erections. When you're stressed, lots of hormones are released by your body - these hormones can cause your blood vessels to narrow, interrupting the blood flow necessary for getting and staying hard.
Both anxiety and stress can also make it difficult to get in the mood for sex - this decrease in libido is another thing that can negatively affect your erections. Unfortunately, it's common to fall into a vicious cycle where stress and anxiety cause (or at least play a part in causing) erectile issues, which then causes further stress and anxiety - and so on.
Depression
Depression is another mental health issue that can contribute to erectile issues. The disorder can lead to lower self-esteem, lower libido, physical fatigue, and, of course, low mood - all of which can contribute to causing and worsening performance anxiety. Depression isn't always a cause of ED, but it is highly correlated with the condition.
Unfortunately, as we mentioned in the physical causes section, certain antidepressants can also cause erectile dysfunction by affecting your sex drive and/or sexual function. This can compound any existing issues and make ED more difficult to overcome. Side effects generally subside once you stop taking the medication, but therapy can also help if you're using them long-term.
Relationship Issues
Issues within your relationship can contribute to ED mainly by way of adding to your stress level. These issues don't have to be sexual in nature either. Arguments with your partner, problems or conflicts with family members and kids, and money-related issues can all cause stress in a relationship - which can lead to trouble in the bedroom.
Though relationship issues can often be solved through communication, this is often easier said than done, and even thinking about addressing issues can be stressful
Relationship issues can also contribute to the vicious cycle we mentioned earlier - they can lead to increased stress which can interfere with your sex life which can then lead to more stress.
Lifestyle Factors That Can Lead to Erectile Issues During Sex
Certain lifestyle factors, by choice or otherwise, can lead to erectile issues by causing (or at least, contributing to causing) the physical and psychological issues we've already discussed in this article. Not getting enough sleep or exercise, not maintaining a healthy, balanced diet, and even your particular porn habits can play havoc with your erections.
Lack of Sleep
Sleep is vital to ensuring your body functions properly, and this extends to erectile function. One 2023 study into the link between poor sleep quality and erectile dysfunction found that 72.7% of the participants found to have poor sleep quality had mild erectile dysfunction - and 20.6% of them had mild to moderate erectile dysfunction.
As mentioned in the study we linked to above, various sleep disorders have been linked to ED, including insomnia, nocturia, and obstructive sleep apnea. These conditions aren't necessarily causes of ED, but they can be symptoms of conditions that are causes - including cardiovascular and metabolic diseases such as heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
Sedentary Lifestyle
Living a sedentary lifestyle - a lifestyle involving a lack of exercise and too much time spent sitting or lying down - is detrimental to your overall health. Like everything we've listed previously in this section, it can also have a knock-on effect on your reproductive health and end up interfering with your ability to have strong erections.
As is the case with an unhealthy diet, a sedentary lifestyle puts you at risk of developing cardiovascular diseases and high blood pressure, as well as contributing to obesity, diabetes, and overall mortality. All of these things can result in damage to your circulatory system and blood vessels, negatively affecting blood flow and, as we keep repeating, your erections.
Use of Pornography
Pornography-induced erectile dysfunction is a bit of a controversial topic as research is yet to establish a concrete link between the two. However, there is quite a bit of anecdotal evidence from men who believe their porn use has had a negative effect on their sex life, and their erections in particular.
It is thought that porn has the potential to meddle with your brain's dopamine reward system, acting as a hyper-stimulating trigger that results in unusually high secretions of the chemical.
This may reduce your capacity to respond to real-life sources of pleasure that are not hyper-stimulating.
Porn is so readily available these days, and no matter how niche your interests are, you'll always be able to see what you want. Some believe that this, along with the countless unrealistic scenarios depicted, can effectively desensitize you to real sex with real people. Essentially, your penis is left wanting more and struggles to get hard in real-world scenarios.
Poor Diet
As with good sleep habits, you must eat a balanced diet so your body works as it should. Eating well isn't just about losing weight either; while obesity is heavily linked to ED, you still need to eat enough calories to have energy and enough nutrients to keep your body healthy.
The foods you eat can go a long way in preventing various other conditions that are linked to ED. Eating excessive amounts of high-calorie foods (sugary and fatty foods in particular) can increase your risk of developing type 2 diabetes, and consuming an excessive amount of salt can increase your risk of developing high blood pressure.
Immediate Strategies to Manage the Situation
If you're trying to have sex but run into issues maintaining an erection, there are a few things you can do at the moment that might help you out.
Always remember to keep calm and talk to your partner about what's happening. It might be worth taking a short break, returning after a while, and trying something new. If you're aware of potential issues, avoid drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs before you get busy.
1. Stay Calm and Communicate
A lack of communication can and will lead to frustration on both your end and your partner's. This can make it difficult to have sex regardless of what's going on with your penis. Still, frustration, anger, and anxiety can all cause difficulties when it comes to erections, even if you don't have clinical erectile dysfunction.
It's always worth trying to stay calm and talk things through with whoever you're having sex with
While you can still expect some understanding if you're having a one-night stand, open communication is even more vital in a relationship. Communication, especially about sensitive subjects like sex, helps build trust and reduces anxiety in the long run, which is also good news for your erections.
2. Take a Break
When things just aren't working it can be very easy to get caught up in the emotions of the moment, which usually just ends up compounding the issue, making it even more difficult to get hard. In these situations, taking a break can be just what you need to clear your head. It doesn't have to be a long break - 5 to 10 minutes can often do the trick.
Having a break allows you and your partner to step back from the situation and gives you a chance to de-stress and talk things through if you need to. Though it can disrupt the flow of things a little, that's not necessarily a bad thing - once you're ready, taking the time to build up to where you left off can help you get back into the groove.
3. Change Up Your Sexual Activity
This is a similar principle to taking a break - mixing up your sexual activity can provide different sensations and turn you on in slightly different ways, which can often be enough to reinvigorate your erections. You don't have to do anything crazy either (though you can if you want to), just trying out a different or new position can help you out.
If you've been trying to make a certain position work but it's not happening, this can cause you to overthink the position, the anxiety of which can be off-putting - which is why trying a new position can help. We wouldn't recommend avoiding positions entirely though, as this will lead to further anxiety. Avoid it momentarily if it helps, but give it another try next time.
4. Avoid Alcohol and Drugs
Alcohol and drugs, including nicotine, can cause both in-the-moment and long-term difficulties in achieving and maintaining erections. Even if you aren't diagnosed with clinical erectile dysfunction, we'd strongly suggest against taking drugs or drinking too much alcohol if you're planning on having sex - especially if you've had any erectile issues in the past.
We know that alcohol and drugs are a fact of life and that partying and having sex often go hand in hand, but these substances just serve to make sex (and often your life in general) worse. They can also encourage sexual risk-taking, which can lead to unsafe scenarios. If you're dependent on any substances, we'd suggest contacting a medical professional or addiction specialist.
Long-term Solutions and Prevention
Short-term solutions can be useful for anyone suffering from momentary ED but if your dysfunction is consistent, you might need to consider a long-term solution such as starting to exercise regularly, making improvements to your diet and lifestyle, and even medical treatment options. Most of the following points double as ED prevention strategies; they're useful even if you aren't currently struggling.
1. Introduce Regular Exercise
Regular exercise improves your cardiovascular and metabolic health, both of which can contribute to erectile dysfunction. In particular, regular aerobic exercise is considered an effective treatment for ED, even in quite severe cases. It also helps you get in shape, and makes you feel good - there's really no reason not to do it.
As recommended by the American Heart Association, you only need at least 150 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise, or 75 minutes of vigorous aerobic exercise, per week to see health benefits. Even when considering the longer 150 minutes of moderate exercise, that's only around 21 minutes per day - a literal walk in the park. Adding strength training such as lifting weights twice a week is even better for you.
If you have limited mobility, we'd suggest speaking to a medical professional - they should be able to recommend some gentler activities.
2. Improve Your Diet
Improving your diet can also reduce your risk of cardiovascular and metabolic diseases, thereby improving your erectile function. In addition, certain specific foods can improve your reproductive health.
Spinach contains folic acid and magnesium, both of which are thought to improve blood flow and may even boost testosterone much like the vitamin E and zinc present in avocados. High-protein foods like chicken, eggs, and fish contain amino acids which can relax your blood vessels. All of this will help strengthen your erections.
While these additions can be fairly simple, maintaining an overall healthy diet can be tricky, as healthier foods are often the less convenient option.
We'd recommend focusing less on avoiding "bad" foods and restricting calories, and more on increasing your intake of healthier, whole foods like fruits and vegetables. Make strategic swaps where you can - switching out full-sugar soda in favor of diet or zero-sugar varieties is a great start.
3. Quit smoking
Let's get this out of the way first - quitting smoking is a lot easier said than done. Regardless of how long you've been smoking though, it's never too late to stop - and the reduced health risks are one hell of a reward. Though the habit is a major risk factor for ED, quitting smoking can reverse a lot of the damage caused, so it's always worth a go.
There are so many options available to modern smokers; nicotine patches, gum, and inhalers are all very popular choices as they let you get a hit of the drug without inhaling tobacco smoke. Some people switch to vaping but we aren't going to recommend this due to the current lack of studies into the long-term health effects.
You may also find support groups very helpful - quitting can be easier when you can talk to others going through the process alongside you. There are also cell phone apps that help you keep track of your progress, which can be very encouraging.
4. Consider Medication or Treatment
If your erectile dysfunction is severe or is really negatively affecting your life, it might be time to seek medical attention or specific ED treatments. There are various medications available, the most popular of which is probably sildenafil - also known as Viagra. Put simply, sildenafil helps you achieve proper blood flow to the penis, boosting your erections. Another common ED medication is Cialis (tadalafil) which works in the same way.
Some other medical treatments for ED include injectable drugs and intraurethral suppositories, the former of which is more effective. Testosterone replacement therapy can also be successful depending on the cause of your ED. Further medical options include surgeries to correct any physical issues or to insert a penile implant.
Of course, medical treatments aren't always necessary. If the cause is psychological, counseling or couples therapy may be able to help.
If the cause is physical but you don't want to go down a medical route, vacuum devices can work well - penis pumps. These cylindrical pumps work by creating a vacuum to draw blood into the penis, causing an erection which can be maintained with the use of an elastic cock ring.
When to See Your Doctor
If you have easy access to a healthcare professional, we would recommend seeing a doctor about your erectile dysfunction as soon as you can if you feel it's negatively affecting your quality of life. If you're in a position where it's more difficult to see a doctor, we'd suggest first trying out some of the strategies we've recommended earlier in this article. After a while of giving them a go, if you haven't seen any success, we'd strongly recommend trying to see a doctor.
There are some scenarios in which seeing a doctor should be even more of a priority - such as if you believe your ED is caused by a health condition or injury.
Putting off a visit to the doctor in this scenario will only result in any potential issues getting worse, so try to see them as soon as you can. We'd also suggest visiting a doctor if you're struggling with mental health issues or substance abuse issues.
Though talking to a doctor about your penis and sex life can be daunting, try to remember that the embarrassment is temporary and serves to fix an issue that can change your life for the better.
Planning ahead can help soothe your anxiety and help you decide what you're going to tell them - make some notes about what you've experienced before your visit. It can also help to choose a doctor you're comfortable with if you can, or to bring your partner along.
Remember to be as clear as possible when talking to them, and be specific. Don't leave anything out, and don't downplay your issues. Don't be afraid to ask for clarification if they say something you don't understand, or if you're concerned at all. Remember, they're there to help you - there's no need to worry or hold anything back.
Why Do Men Go Soft During Sex: Summary
Going soft during sex can be frustrating and embarrassing, but it's super common and not necessarily anything to worry about. While it's true that more serious problems such as physical health conditions or mental health issues can be the cause of momentary ED, a lot of the time it's just stress, performance anxiety, or alcohol - or a combination of the three.
Sometimes lifestyle factors can also contribute to ED. Lack of sleep, lack of exercise, poor diet, and even sometimes use of pornography can cause momentary ED and contribute to some of the long-term causes of the condition.
If your ED is momentary or without a serious cause, short-term solutions can often help.
These include strategies such as talking things through with your partner, taking a short break, switching up the sex you're having, and avoiding drugs and alcohol if you're planning on getting busy.
In more serious cases, you may need to consider long-term solutions such as starting an exercise routine, improving your diet, quitting smoking, or even considering medical or alternative treatments. If you really feel like you need help, a visit to the doctor is your best bet - in most cases, they'll be able to find a solution that works for you.